Hope Deferred...Desire Fulfilled

Hope deferred makes the heart sick,

    but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life. - Proverbs 13:12

 We've had a lot of changes going on in our family, and a lot of hopes and dreams for what this next stage in our family will look like.  Often, when I read the proverb above, I reflect and think, "Well, then, why do we have so much deferred hope in our lives?  I'm heartsick, God, can't you fulfill these desires?"  I had (have!) a laundry list of hopes and desires that I think God should fulfill for me/us.  I felt like God was choosing to make me suffer, to make my heart sick.

But I wasn't reading the rest of the proverb: "a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."  Did I honestly think I'd relish, enjoy, treasure, and be thankful for those fulfilled desires if I didn't first know what it was like without them?

This past week, a few of our deferred hopes have been fulfilled, and I've realized how much more thankful I am for them because I waited for them.  And I ultimately, in a lot of ways, learned to rely on God instead of material things, such as finances and mere happiness.  Two examples of desire fulfilled after deferred hope:

• Nick has been looking for a job since we learned we were pregnant.  He was employed, but at a place that wouldn't financially support us, and, more importantly, wasn't a place that he felt like was a long-term option.  Nick looked, diligently, weekly, for almost 10 months.  Yesterday, he was offered a job!  I'm so proud of him and for all of the work he did.  I know it wasn't easy and often frustrating, with promising interviews that seemed fruitless in the end. But now we both feel abundantly blessed with the job that he's been offered - a good fit for his skills with the possibility of the job growing as he grows.  Were we heart sick for the months that made us wonder if he'd ever find a job?  Yes, absolutely.  Did we have countless conversations about our reliance on God and trust that he would, indeed, provide even if we felt like it was possible?  You bet.  Did God provide, finally, in his own time, in an abundant, amazing way?  Yes!!
• The first 6 weeks at home with Gideon have not been a honeymoon.  They've had wonderful moments - cuddles, smiles, and successes.  But they've had an equal amount of frustration and heart sickness - will these fussy times end?  Can I listen to him cry any longer?  Why can't I seem to console him?  Will he sleep a longer stretch?  Last night was one of the fussier nights he's had in a while. Nick was at class and I was home with him, having already spent the day with him.  I felt at my wit's end, thankful when Nick came home and took over for the hour before bed.  We put him to bed and I was exhausted.  And then, the most amazing thing happened:  he slept 7 hours.  Straight.  I'm not making this up.  We put him down when we always do and I fully expected to get up to feed him sometime in the wee, early morning hours.  We'd been extending sleep to 6 hours, but not fully consistently.  And then, this.  What blessing.  After a night of pure exhaustion on everyone's parts, God provided blissful, uninterrupted sleep for the whole family.  Will it be like this every night from now on?  Hardly.  Will we still have rough moments?  Absolutely.  But I received the gift that I needed and now feel rested to face another day, fussiness and all.

God did fulfill our desires in the way that he saw fit.  And those desires fulfilled really do feel like a tree of life.

But I'm not done.  I want to be completely open and vulnerable with you.  Not because I want your sympathy, but because I want to be clear that not everything in our lives is all wrapped up with a bow.  And because I want to ask for prayer and uphold others in prayer.  I'm going to take that risk and share one major area in my life where I feel like I'm heart sick and wishing, wanting God to just snap his "fingers" and make it better.  And I'm going to challenge you to do the same.

Within a month after Gideon's birth, two of my dear friends moved away.  Both are amazing, God-fearing, wise women who I'd relied on before and during pregnancy for child advice - is it normal to have this much heartburn in pregnancy?  What did you do when you had gestational hypertension?  And then, the news came like an avalanche.  Both their husbands were offered amazing jobs outside of the Twin Cities.  They were moving.  They would still be in the state, but they wouldn't be 30 minutes or less away.  With my post-pregnancy hormones raging, I bawled.  I cried often.  And I still wonder who I will go to for my advice.  Who will I go visit for a bit just to share motherhood and fellowship?  How will I make new friends? I'm not saying I don't have friends.  I do.  I have amazing, wonderful friends.  But my arsenal of close, dear friends with kids is a short list, and my structured brain was expecting to rely on these 2 women.  So, I'm heart sick.  I want God to magically provide friends - old and new - with babies or young kids who I can rely on like I would have them if they were still in the area.  And I'm praying to see what this part of our lives will look like in that respect.  Maybe God has something else in mind for us.  Maybe there's someone who he knows will build relationships with us.  But I don't know the answer, and I wish I did.  

So, there's my deferred hope.  What's yours?  How can I pray for your heart?

6 weeks and providence

Tomorrow, Gideon is officially 6 weeks old.  When he was about 2 weeks old, I remember multiple people telling me to "enjoy it, this time goes by so fast."  And my response to that is, "It does, but it doesn't."  Being a mom is way different than I thought it would be.  There are wonderful moments, and there are super hard moments.  But when my little boy smiles at me his big, toothless grin, all those super hard moments melt away.  It's worth it.

I can't believe how big he is already.  He's smiling.  He's holding his head up on his own most of the time.  He's alert and making eye contact with us, following us as we move around the room.  He's a mostly happy baby, except when he's not.

But this week I made a realization.  It's one that a dear friend of mine told me that she felt in the first 3 months of motherhood, too, but then it got better.  My realization is that I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom.  I love my son, and I know the first 3 months are the hardest, but I can't see myself being with him practically 24/7.  I will love him more if I can savor the time I have.

This realization was timed incredibly well.  On Monday night, I got a phone call for an interview, and they wanted me to come in on Tuesday afternoon.  I scrambled to find a friend who could watch Gideon for a few hours with less than 24 hours' notice.  My mom and I agreed it was important to make it work, since it seemed to fall into my lap; I'd applied for the job more than 2 months ago.

I went in to the interview, not expecting much and having barely prepared my brain to talk about how important it is to me to be a school social worker.  I was informed that there were 3 different positions available and that I'd hear in a week or two.

On Thursday morning, they called and offered me a job.  I was floored.  The job is an 80% position working 4 days a week between 2 elementary schools in the district.  Nick and I talked about the position and decided to go for it.  Now certain I didn't want to be a stay-at-home mom, even if it was financially feasible, I knew this was the right thing to do.

If there's ever a time to believe in God's providence, it's now.  At a time when I was feeling spent, tired, exhausted, and uncertain of my abilities in multiple areas of life, God opened the doors that needed to be opened.  He showed me a job that will provide for our family and allow me 3 days a week with my son alongside it.  A job that's with an age group I love, in a setting I'm passionate about, and right up my alley.

So, we're happy here at the Ehrenberg household.  Happy because Gideon slept 6.5 hours straight last night.  Happy because I have a job that will start in just over 2 months.  Happy because God has provided blessing in way more ways than we ever thought imaginable.  Just downright happy (even if we are still a bit exhausted!).

What we're about

So, I could do a whole intro thing to what I want this blog to be, but I don't really know how to say it eloquently.  I hope this blog can be updates into our lives, especially now that we've expanded to 3, including little Gideon.

But I'm cautious about how much I want to share on the internet with the entire world, and how much of our son I want to share before he actually has control over his own internet presence.  Things have surely changed from when we were kids, playing out on the sidewalk and picking up the landline phone to call someone down the street to see if they could play.

I'm not going to censor everything, but I may limit the amount of pictures I post.  I've been extremely conscious about how much I post on Facebook, because I know that once it's there, you can't take it back.

So, updates on our lives will be forthcoming.  I can't guarantee consistency.  Pictures will be minimal, but worth your time.  We'll update about the adults and the baby, maybe even the dog sometimes.  Even if for our own sakes, it's worth chronicling these moments to keep in mind.